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My SEC Football Championship Game Story

Well, another season in the SEC is in the books. In every year since 1992, it has culminated in the SEC Championship game, and in last Saturday's edition, we witnessed the most lopsided game in the history of the contest, as well as the most points ever scored, as Auburn crushed South Carolina 56-17.

Instead of being at the Georgia Dome, where a respected journalist like myself (all right, stop laughing) should have been, Coach Scooter was at a wedding. If it wasn't one of my favorite nephews, and if he hadn't promised me an ample supply of FREE "Daddy's Apple Juice", I would have used the old "my mother is out for the weekend on parole" excuse and parked my fat butt in front of the TV.

Let's look at the day I had, as well as the impressive day the Auburn Tigers had:

4:00pm – I was handed a roadie while we waited for the bus to take us to the church. As I watched the intro video montage of the CBS SEC game of the week, I once again marvel at how great it is. It is the best pregame intro of any of the networks. I especially like the close up of the Kentucky player waiting for the snap and winks at the camera. The music also gets me pumped up for the game, whether my team is on or not.

4:05pm – I spit up what I was drinking when I saw Gary Danielson on the TV. That clown could screw up a two-car funeral.

4:30pm – The bus arrives and immediately I ask the driver if the game was on the radio. The driver, who looked a lot like Buford T. Justice from Smokey and the Bandit, gave me a smile and said, "Son, this is the south. We have that som b**ch in FM down here." I was instantly impressed and thought about sharing the contents of my cup with him. Since he was driving, I declined, but it was the thought that counts.

5:00pm – We get to the church and everyone, with the exception of the bride and groom was on their mobile devices in the parking lot. The groom would have been, but she made him check it at the door. My niece, Meghan, who graduated from Auburn, smuggled her phone into the church, so she suddenly becomes the most popular person in the place since everyone else was told to turn off their devices when they entered. You would have thought she was giving out free hot dogs with the traffic around her. When Auburn scored first, she told everyone within ear shot how she wanted to have Cam Newton's baby. Her boyfriend wasn't upset, in fact, he made the same comment.

5:30pm – We are called in to start the service, and since my three year old daughter, Sofie, is one of the flower girls, I was instructed to stay at the back of the church to make sure she didn't run away, or start swinging her flowers at the other flower girls. This is problematic since the only way of knowing what is going on is by taking a number to be in Meghan's posse. When she bolts for her seat, followed by what looks like Moses' peeps following him through the Red Sea, I am toast.

5:35pm – I think Auburn just did something bad. How do I know? Well, I'm not sure, but Meghan looked back at me, shakes her head and mouths the words, "Dumb A**" I figured that can't be good. I found out later that Auburn missed a FG, which would have given them a ten-point lead. What's worse for me is the wife looks back at me and mouths the words, "Sofie!" with a stern finger point. I look over to see my daughter taking out a stack of collection plates and putting a heaping amount of holy water in each one. "I'm cleaning the bowls, Daddy," she says. "Great. Mommy is going to clean my clock."

5:45pm – I finally get Sofie back on track and take my place in the back of the church. She walks up the aisle with no more incidents, and walk over to where the sound guy is sitting in a booth. I looked over at the guy, and notice he is wearing a t-shirt reading "War Damn Eagle." Ignoring the fact he is wearing that shirt in church, I start to think, "Hey, this guy can hook me up with some updates."

5:46pm – I look over at the set up and notice he has the game on his flat screen computer. When he notices me, he smiles and says, "You want me to make it full screen?" Oh, there is a God and he loves me. Only in the south would a football game be playing on TV inside the church during a wedding. I suddenly have a fear that he flips the wrong switch and it gets put up on the jumbotron behind the wedding party on the stage. If that happened, I would pull a Carl Spackler from Caddyshack, tuck my hat over my face and quickly walk away…

5:47pm – I have to make sure my new bud thinks I am rooting for Auburn so he won't take my watching privileges away, so I smile and say, "War Damn Eagle's gonna whoop some tail tonight, right?" He gets a smile on his face and as he extends his hand says, "You betcha ass on that, Boy."

6:00pm – Feeling an immense amount of guilt, I figure I better start paying attention to what is going on in the wedding. The Monsignor is talking about being rich, or loving her even when she is sick, or something like that, and since I am married I have heard that speech somewhere before so we are good. War Damn Eagle is happier than I would be at the Jack Daniels Distillery Tour as Cam Newton's Hail Mary prayer is answered on a miracle tipped pass for another touchdown that gives the Tigers a 28-17 halftime lead.

6:20pm – Can this service be any longer? Get to the part about the kissing, will ya, Padre?

6:50pm – Auburn is now up 35-17 and is in the driver's seat. Never wanting to count out a Spurrier team, especially in the SEC Championship, I figure this one is still a game. Well, until Stephen Garcia does his best impersonation of Fran Tarkenton at the Super Bowl and throws an ill advised pick six. War Damn Eagle looks up at the ceiling and begins talking to God with tears running down his face. Or maybe it's Shug Jordan he's talking to, I don't know. I do know this one belongs to Auburn.

6:55pm – I look back at the stage and see the bride and groom kissing. Alla-friggin-lulah! I figure we are done here, so hopefully we can make a quick drive over to the reception to see the rest of the game. As we get back on the bus, the driver looks at me and says, "Son, I haven't seen a beating like this since the one I put on the dude who tried to steal my George Jones records." Gee, sorry I missed that one…

7:15pm – We got to the reception and fortunately, there was a large TV in lobby area with the game being shown, as well as an open bar, so Coach Scooter was suddenly a very happy man. I did get a little worried when I spied our bus driver bogarting some wedding appetizers over in the corner as he was watching the game. I wanted to send someone over to shake him down and ask to see his invitation, but he might have a George Jones flashback and then we would have fisticuffs as the bride and groom walk in, which I dare to write, would really put a damper on the day. Oh, by the way, Auburn just scored again. I blinked and missed it.

7:30pm – The game is over and Auburn has been crowned SEC Champions, and more importantly, will play for the National Championship. I also was victorious since I was able to navigate the Wedding/SEC Championship waters without getting divorced, disowned or having my daughter end up in a juvenile home. Where is the bar again?

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